How to Do It
It’s changed everything.
June 16, 2026 12:30 PM
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 31-year-old woman in a two-year-old relationship with a slightly younger man. I was off the market for a few years because I was in two back-to-back relationships that ranged from manipulative to full-on abusive. A large portion of the abuse relied on our sexual dynamics, which were kink-laden and involved me being completely submissive. For a while, I shut down until I got therapy, opened myself up, and found myself in a new relationship.
My boyfriend has been very, very supportive of me, has helped me establish boundaries, and has helped me on a journey to have a healthy sexual life again. Since my last birthday, I have wanted to explore a more active sexual life, and reintroduce the kinks that I loved and felt were essential (and maybe still are). This has been going pretty well, and my boyfriend has been a patient rock during all of this.
One of the things that I wanted to do, and was my idea, was to have a threesome with another man, and watch my boyfriend take him.
We found a willing partner and spent two days together. The first day was incredibly fun; on the second day, they negotiated a harder scene, and my boyfriend topped him and was very aggressive both physically and verbally while I watched. At the time, I enjoyed it and did not stop it or interfere. However, since then, my anxiety has spiked, and I’m fixated on the idea that my boyfriend might try to engage in that dynamic with me. It has made me freeze up repeatedly. I’ve shared this concern with him, and he has been explicitly reassuring me that he would never do anything like that, and rationally, I trust him, but my irrational fears have not gone away. Our sex life has almost completely cratered in a way that I find very unsatisfying. I know the default answer is “seek therapy,” but I don’t have a current therapist, and I’m unsure how to approach someone and say, “I really need help with one particular facet of our relationship, and that’s about it.” Do you have advice?
—All Wound Up
Dear All Wound Up,
I want to know the context and facts behind sentiments like “my boyfriend is very supportive,” “he’s helped me,” “he’s a patient rock,” “this was my idea,” and “I enjoyed it.”Whether you think these things through in conversation with a close friend or in writing, tell the stories of the events that led you to make these statements. Try to describe events as objectively and accurately as possible, focusing on observable and quotable details. I have a hunch that going back over the reasons behind your descriptions of both your partner and the events of this kinky weekend can help you reconnect with those feelings of safety and autonomy that were interrupted.
It is possible that reexamining the details could turn up something that you didn’t quite notice at the time, which is fueling the anxiety and fear that you’re experiencing. If that does occur, you’ll have a more concrete issue to work with, which can hopefully be addressed (and rectified, if needed). You might as well go through what you observed of the negotiation of that harder scene between your boyfriend and the third while you’re at it, looking for anything that might have set off your alarm system.
As far as how to seek out a new therapist who can help with this one issue, you might have to look a little harder for someone who is a good fit. It is, however, completely reasonable to seek support for one specific problem, and you might luck out on the first person you contact. When you’ve got a clear goal, which is to understand and work through your reactions to that weekend, coaching is often another functional option. So you might also consider those types of professionals, or therapists who offer coaching.
—Jessica
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