The Parents at My Kid’s School Have the Same Reaction When I Mention My Girlfriend. It’s Been a Year—Get Over It!

How to Do It

She just laughs it off.

June 17, 2026 1:20 PM

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.  Have a question?  Send it to Stoya and Rich here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a mother in my early 40s, in my first relationship after a 10-year heterosexual marriage. I’ve been dating a woman almost 20 years younger for a little under a year. That part isn’t an issue—we’ve navigated the age and life experience gap pretty well and see a future together.

However, she’s been out and proud since she was in middle school, and since I was married to a man and had kids, I got stuffed back in the closet by society. I never stopped being attracted to women, never stopped having discreet encounters (with my ex’s knowledge and understanding—the divorce was for other, understandable reasons), and never stopped going to Pride or being in sapphic-only spaces.

Now, whenever I casually mention “my girlfriend” to acquaintances or parents at my kids’ school, it’s almost like I have to come out every time as they make a shocked look or I get an “Oh, I didn’t know.” For what it’s worth, my ex and kids get similar comments and have taken it in stride. I just get it more. My girlfriend laughs it off and says she likes MILFs too much to think about it, which makes me laugh in the moment, but some script when I get those reactions would be helpful.

—My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend

Dear My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend,

You don’t really explain how others’ surprised reactions have been affecting you. Unless you are offended to the point of devastation, I think laughing this off is the way to go. I understand that it’s annoying, maybe even unpleasant, to be confronted with others’ assessments so nakedly. If you are particularly sensitive to this, it may seem that they’re deeming you unfit to be queer based on their own perceptions.

However, those people are ignorant. They just are, and it is that ignorance that colors these interactions so vividly. It is that ignorance that prompted you to write to an advice column. You can, of course, hold it against them, but you can also opt for grace. They don’t know better. They haven’t been exposed to the breadth of women who love women. They rely on stereotypes to the extent that they aren’t even uncomfortable exposing said reliance in casual conversation. It’s all very transparent.

While I want to respect the range of emotional reactions that may result from these exchanges, I think it’s best to opt for the route with the least drama. It keeps the path open for pleasant interactions with these people in the future and will not result in their snapping back to you, to which you might snap back at them, and then a small tiff breaks out in which you may or may not slap them with your gloves, and then you leave that interaction feeling way worse than if you had just nodded your way through. You don’t want to have to avoid these parents at the drop-off line for years to come.

If someone tells you they “didn’t know,” you can just reply, “Well, now you know.” And it’s true. For something a bit less neutral that can impart your annoyance at these kinds of reactions, you can flatly say something like, “Yeah, I get that a lot,” or, “You’re far from the first person who said that.” Maybe that’ll make them think about what they said after, and you will have created a quietly teachable moment. But I wouldn’t dress them down, get combative, or do anything that leads to a verbal altercation. Ignorant people aren’t worth the energy.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a guy in my mid-20s, and I recently broke up with my girlfriend of four years. It’s definitely been difficult, but all things considered, it’s been very amicable between us, and we haven’t gone strict no-contact. For emotional reasons, I don’t plan on being intimate with anyone soon.

We’d been medium-distance for about eight months: I would go to her place and she to mine every few weekends. Naturally, she had the essentials at my apartment (preferred body wash, toothpaste, etc.), as well as some lingerie she liked to wear and a couple of vibrators and other toys we used together.

Is there a protocol for returning and/or disposing of these items? Calling her up and asking to bring her lingerie back feels incredibly awkward for multiple reasons, but I’m not a person who enjoys just throwing things away if they aren’t broken. I’m guessing that donation spots won’t take them either. What can I do with lingerie and vibrators I won’t be using?

—The Vibes Are O…