Help Me Hera: I feel trapped in my loving relationship

We’ve been together for our entire adult lives. Is it time to move on?

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz or  fill out this form .

Dearest Hera,

I know I am at an impasse, but I keep turning my head as if there is a solution behind me. I know there isn’t, so I look forward again and still find myself stuck. This is all a very convoluted way of saying that I don’t know whether I should stay in my relationship. The thought of not being with them is agonising, but I cannot seem to escape the urge to do so. This is the first relationship either of us has been in, so we have spent our entire adult lives together to this point.

Over the past year and a half, I have found myself getting obsessed with other people, not to an extent where anything happens outside of my imagination, just to one where I feel riddled with guilt and indecision. My partner is my best friend, I love and care for her deeply, and we share a truly lovely wee life together. Yet, I have not been able to shake the thought that something is wrong, and that I shouldn’t be daydreaming about being single or dating other people. I oscillate between the thought of wanting to spend my life with her and the thought of being with someone new. I feel like the longer I repeat this cycle, the longer I am taking to rip the band-aid off. Am I just meant to leave the band-aid on forever and learn to grit my teeth whenever it starts to pull at the hairs?

Yours sincerely,

Wounded Worrier

Dear Wounded Worrier,

Your entire adult life is a long time to be in a relationship with one person. There are plenty of examples of people throughout history getting married to their childhood sweethearts, and staying together until they keel over from sweating sickness, or get trampled to death by a horse. But people also used to wear dentures made of real teeth extracted from the mouths of dead soldiers, so there’s no point being too nostalgic.

If you’ve been together with someone a long time and have never experienced any other relationships, a little wanderlust seems inevitable. It’s wonderful you managed to find someone so great early on. I’m sure they’ve been a really important part of your life, and brought you a lot of happiness. But I can also imagine you feel some curiosity and regret about what you might have missed out on.

People’s early dating lives are intense and chaotic and make for excellent stories, once they’ve had several years to metabolise the pain and humiliation. Obviously, they’re not always positive experiences, but perhaps the individual relationships aren’t nearly as important as the experience of being young, dumb and at the mercy of your biological imperatives. You make a lot of regrettable decisions, but there’s also a lot of fun and adventure, and it’s completely understandable if a part of you feels, no matter how wonderful your partner is, that you missed out on something. Honestly, the mythology around this period of your life is probably a lot better than the reality. But a little personal mythology is important too.

It’s not too late to have this kind of freedom. But whether you want it enough to end your relationship is a question only you can answer.

I think this is one of those situations where there’s no “right” or “wrong” choice – either decision is understandable, and there’s no knowing what will result. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way you’re feeling. You change a lot over the course of a long relationship, especially a relationship that began when you were both young. People don’t necessarily grow at the same rate, or in the same direction. You may not be happier if you leave your partner, but happiness isn’t always the most important thing. It might be more important for you to experience being alone, even if that means accepting the uncertainty and terror that come along with that decision.

If what you’re really seeking is a little romantic thrill and the chance to meet new people or sleep around, you don’t necessarily have to leave your relationship. Open relationships aren’t for everyone, but you don’t have to get a septum piercing and join a polycule. It depends on your partner’s feelings, but if you’re really struggling to choose between extracurricular flirtation and preserving your relationship, it’s worth at least having a conversation with your girlfriend to see if she’d be open to the idea. You don’t have to start going to swingers parties, but perhaps having a little romantic flexibility might make you feel less suffocated by the premise of “till death do us part.”

If, for whatever reason, this isn’t an option, you have two choices. The first is to try to reinvigorate your relationship. The second is to walk away.

My advice would be to try the first option before pulling the plug. Not because it’s the morally right thing to do. But any long relationship goes through occasional periods of disconnection. But feelings can also come back stronger and deeper wit…