The crunchy peanut butters of New Zealand, ranked from worst to best

After stringent testing we’ve arrived at a list that is in some ways predictable, and in others deeply unsettling.

Ranking peanut butters is like ranking your children: you can do it, but people will get angry at you. It’s uncommon to meet someone with a near militaristic allegiance to marmalade. Less so to find a self-described Pic’s person or Fix & Fogg person; a crunchy woman or a smooth man.

Placing one peanut spread above another was always going to be fraught. Nevertheless, eight of our in-house judges have charged bravely forth into the food-testing breach to find the best nutty paste to smear across warm bread before facing another 16 gruelling hours awake.

Why crunchy? Mostly due to logistical reasons. It’s difficult and potentially a health and safety violation to make your co-workers eat 30 different peanut butters in one hour. Smooth deserves its own ranking, and we’re committed to publishing one if we survive the fallout from this story.

But crunchy also seems to inspire the most passion. Most of our judges were crunchy lovers. One Spinoff editor, who shall remain nameless (Alice Neville) was visibly disgusted at the thought of a smooth preference, which she regarded as evidence of a stunted, babylike palate. Some were bitextural. “I was smooth until I went through puberty. Now crunchy!” said veteran ranker Emma Gleason. “I am the Winston Peters of peanut butter. I’ll go either way,” said Veronica Schmidt. I self-identify as a crunchy person but mostly eat smooth. Together our team tasted 11 varieties of crunchy spread on bread to decide the best and the worst of the genre.

We did so via blind taste test. Every brand was assigned a colour code and spread on plain white bread. Judges were urged to consider taste, first and foremost, alongside factors such as crunch, texture, mouthfeel and physical, spiritual and emotional vibe.

There are some notable omissions. Eta crunchy peanut butter isn’t on the list. The former stalwart of our collective pantry is no longer available from the beloved food duopoly that keeps an iron grip on our daily sustenance. Sanitarium, another former favourite, has also been euthanised by its Seventh Day Adventist makers at the command of either Jesus or commerce.

Joining them in omission are the boutique brands you can only get from the internet or specialty stores in Grey Lynn. Though they may well be delicious, buying them would likely bankrupt The Spinoff. Instead this ranking includes only the jars you can pick up at mainstream supermarkets, starting with one that brought our judges together in a loud, unanimous eruption of displeasure.

11) Ceres Organics Crunchy Peanut Butter

3/10

$7.19 for 300g from Woolworths ($2.40 per 100g)

Ceres Organics’ attempt at a crunchy peanut butter seemed to offend every stomach it entered. Some judges just shook their bellies in disappointment. “Leaves me wanting,” wrote Calum Henderson. Others wanted nothing short of jail. “A crime against peanut butter!!” said Emma.

The causes for disdain were many and varied. But everyone was united on one thing: Ceres crunchy doesn’t have enough crunch. “Where even are the peanuts!?” asked Tina Tiller.

A crunchless crunchy is unforgivable. But a flavourless one isn’t great either. “This tastes like a health product,” said Veronica. Perhaps it was the goodness that torpedoed the spread. Though it has relatively standard sugar and sodium quotients (4.7g and 213mg per 100g respectively), Ceres markets itself as an ethical, sustainable brand, putting an emphasis on the fact it’s just peanuts and sea salt mixed together.

Alas, it seems peanuts and sea salt aren’t the only vital ingredients in peanut butter. You need at least a sliver of evil as well.

A unanimous verdict: yuck.

10) Nut Brothers Super Crunch Peanut Butter

5/10

$8.49 for 500g from Woolworths  ($1.30 per 100g)

The name Nut Brothers set off loud objections in The Spinoff office, with an assortment of writers, editors and even podcasters remonstrating against the idea of a family unit devoted to the nut. None of that mattered for our blind tasting, where each spread was judged on flavour and texture alone.

Unfortunately that assessment also found flaws with Nut Brothers. Veronica and Jin Fellet issued near-identical verdicts. “Oh no. Too dry. Needs more oil,” said the former. “A little dry, not enough oil,” said the latter. “Very dry… maybe Hayden didn’t mix,” echoed Calum. For the record, I did mix and will be taking him to court for defamation. Sometimes mixing isn’t enough.

Don’t call it that.

9) Pams Crunchy Peanut Butter

5.25/10

$1.99 for 375g from Pak’nSave ($0.53 per 100g)

Standard Pams is the cheapest spread on this list. Unfortunately it’s also one of the most mediocre. “Wouldn’t kick this out of bed but wouldn’t call it again either,” said Emma, in what will go down as both an off-putting piece of personification and an accurate summation of the general sentiment.

Many of our judges accurately identifi…