My Husband and I Got Into a Blowout Fight Over Our Sex Life. Now Our Neighbors Are Involved.

How to Do It

June 16, 2026 12:00 PM

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Randy Fath/Unsplash.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.  Have a question?  Send it to Stoya and Rich here.  It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I got into an argument over his inability to satisfy me in bed.

It culminated in him taking my dildo and hurling it into the backyard. To my horror, it went over the fence and into the neighbor’s yard. It’s been nearly a week, and I haven’t heard anything from them about it. I’m ready to die of embarrassment at the prospect of going over to ask if they found it. Do I need to say anything, or can I simply pretend to know nothing if they bring it up?

—Dildo Debacle

Dear Dildo Debacle,

If you’d gone over directly after the tossing of the dong, you likely could have simply explained that something went over the fence and asked for permission to retrieve it before they had a chance to notice what it was. Since some time has passed, it’s harder to assume that they haven’t seen the dildo, but there’s still decent odds (unless they have a dog, or it landed in a very conspicuous place). Most likely, your neighbors won’t mention anything because they’re embarrassed themselves, or they correctly assume that you are embarrassed. If they do, though, the kindest thing is to let them know where the dildo came from and express your regret that the situation occurred. Imagine how you’d feel if a mysterious personal product appeared in your yard. Don’t leave them wondering about the backstory if they muster the courage to inquire.

Meanwhile, your metaphorical house is on fire, and you’re worried about the equivalent of whether the homeowners’ association will approve the particular shade of puce you prefer for your fence. Your husband threw your property, and into the neighbors’ yard, no less. The two of you were arguing over your sexual satisfaction, and I can only assume that “his inability to satisfy you in bed” is representative of how you were communicating with him. As much as I enjoyed the foray into Miss Mating Manners territory, your main focus needs to be addressing the angst and resentment in your relationship, and it sounds like that’s going to be a significant project.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear How to Do It,

I recently got into porn. How does one ethically consume it? I don’t like the idea of watching content where the actors aren’t getting compensated, and I really don’t like the idea of paying for coercive sex. My boyfriend pays for OnlyFans models, but that seems … limiting? The studios I’ve looked at briefly all seem to serve niches. Is there a Netflix of porn I’m missing? Help a girl out here!

—Exploring a Great Frontier

Dear Exploring a Great Frontier,

My authority on this particular subject comes from over 15 years working in the adult entertainment industry, first as a performer, then running or co-running production companies and websites, licensing work from other production studios, and directing for my own company and other companies. I wasn’t great at the boss lady side of things, but I do have insight into the behind-the-scenes of the porn business and have had professional and sometimes personal relationships with many of the folks I’m going to discuss.

Any form of labor, in the framework of modern capitalism, is always coercive to some degree, even if that pressure is indirect. Small businesses that are completely owned and operated by the performer themselves still involve pressures, including what the market will purchase; the requirements of various services required to run their business; and the same general requirement to earn enough money to pay for housing, food, and medical care that almost everyone, regardless of whether their work involves any element of eroticism or not, must navigate. When we’re talking about “ethical porn” in the sense of an industry, we need to stay grounded in the broader economic context that that industry operates in.

“Ethical porn” itself is a phrase that once described an attempt to do better than existing standards, whether that meant diversifying the kinds of sex and bodies represented, improving conditions on set, or bettering the economic benefits the people depicted received. Over the years, this phrase became a marketing term. The crucial set of questions to ask is what ethical means to you in this context, and what the specific ethics of the production company or distribution platform in question are. Making things more complicated, quite often the companies that are most focused on maximizing profit for their pe…