Dear Prudence
My resentment is only growing.
Advice by
Jenée Desmond-Harris
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June 16, 2026 6:00 AM
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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here .
Dear Prudence,
My grandson’s wife gave birth to my first great-grandchild last year. They were, of course, extremely over-cautious about everything, as most new parents are. They (or more she) didn’t want anyone touching the baby. We tried to accept that as a temporary thing. Then, photos were posted online of HER mother, sisters, step-dad, and everyone else holding her.
The last time I saw the baby was about six months ago, and they had her dressed in a onesie that said, “Hands off! Not your baby.” I am deeply offended. I raised four children, who are all still alive, thank you. My daughter, the grandmother of the baby, is very hurt, but won’t let anyone say anything because she’s afraid she’ll lose her son entirely. My resentment of the situation grows.
—Frustrated Gigi
Dear Frustrated Gigi,
It’s very possible that you’ll be allowed to hold your great-grandchild (or, at this point, that she’ll toddle right over to you) the next time you see her. Six months is a long time in the life of a baby and in the life of nervous, new parents. There have probably been a couple of vaccine appointments since the “Hands off! I’m not your baby” onesie incident. That makes a difference! But the biggest risk to your baby touching privileges isn’t the parents’ strict and unevenly applied policy—it’s pissing them off. So, as you prepare for the next time you see your grandson and his family, try your very best to turn down the volume on your judgment and sense of entitlement.
Yes, you are a relative. Yes, your children are alive (that’s a pretty low standard by the way!). But the decisions these new parents make about their baby are not a personal attack on you. They may be informed by a cautious approach to everything in life, postpartum anxiety specifically, or concrete information about a particular virus that’s circulating. Maybe the baby doesn’t like being held by people she doesn’t know well, and they don’t want to knowingly do something that will lead to screaming and ruin a happy moment. Maybe the parents simply don’t want to miss a minute with their still very new child. Who knows? Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not “Great-grandma is an incompetent walking germ factory, and we hope to hurt her feelings.”
If you want to maximize your chances of getting a snuggle or two, here is a script that I realize doesn’t reflect your actual feelings, but might lead to the results you want: “I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon! I was wondering if there might be a chance that I could hold Ava if the two of you feel the time is right and she’s in the mood. Is there anything I could do before seeing you, such as getting the TDAP vaccine or testing for flu or COVID? Of course, I will also wash my hands and avoid wearing any strong fragrances. I know times have changed so much since I had my kids, so I will follow your lead on what’s best, and I’ll also be happy to just look at her cute little face and bring her a toy. Is there anything you two need? One thing I do remember is that the baby days can be so tiring and stressful.”
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Dear Prudence,
I am a gay man who isn’t out to my extremely conservative, Southern family. My little sister is getting married in September, and of course, I’m expected to attend the wedding. However, I’m dreading the inevitable attempts by my parents and other relatives to fix me up with so-and-so’s daughter. My wonderful partner’s sister, “Annie,” is aware of my situation and has volunteered to go as my beard. While I’m touched and grateful, is it fair to impose this kind of charade on her even if she’s offered to help?
—Beard Blues
Dear Beard Blues,
You wouldn’t be imposing on your partner’s sister. She offered! If bringing her as your date gives you a sense of relief, do it without any guilt. I have to say I’m also really touched by the idea, because it really showcases her care for your emotional well-being, and your partner’s understanding of and patience with your choice to keep your relationship a secret from your family. I’m glad you have the two of them sin…
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