My Girlfriend’s Post-Work Ritual Is Ruining My Life. And Maybe Hers, Too.

Dear Prudence

Advice by

Jenée Desmond-Harris

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June 15, 2026 6:00 AM

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by DejanMilic/Getty Images Plus.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers.   Submit your own questions to Prudie here .

Dear Prudence,

How much of a relationship can realistically hinge on hoping for the best? I (30s, male) met my girlfriend “Lana” (30s, female) a year ago, and I’m trying to gauge our relationship. She’s smart, pretty, driven, and I love and appreciate her. She’s also unfortunately saddled with a job she hates, which she’s leaving in the next few months with a better job lined up next.

I love her, and when we’re happy, we’re legitimately happy. We’re stable, supportive, accepting of each other, and we’ve meshed well with each other’s families and friends. My concern is that we’re just not usually happy.

Lana comes home miserable every day. Each night, there’s a rant about co-workers, hours, pay, or the injustice of her workplace, and while I try and listen sympathetically, it’s often the 50th or 100th time these things have come up.

I find myself dreading the 10 to 15 minutes of emotional dumping that occurs before we can get to something else. Honestly, I’ve always given friends or family all the airspace they need to talk about the troubles in their lives, but we’re running on two years now. She has more bad days than good, and therapy and antidepressants haven’t made much of a dent. (I’ve done both too, and I’m honestly pretty happy outside of this pattern.) These encounters don’t cheer her up and leave me exhausted.

Is it realistic to think things will be better in a few months with Lana getting a less toxic job? Are we mismatched?

—Shaky Support

Dear Shaky,

A bad job can really make a person miserable—and miserable to be around. So a big part of me thinks you should wait it out and see how your girlfriend changes when she starts the new gig.

But I also think you may have more information about her than you’re letting on, and perhaps that’s what’s giving you some doubts about whether you’re mismatched. Maybe in addition to ranting about work, she rants about every negative customer service interaction. Maybe you’ve noticed she can’t let it go when she bumps heads with a friend. Maybe she doesn’t seem to pay attention to how you’re feeling or how her unloading is affecting you. Maybe her friends and family have made comments about how she’s always seemed to dwell on the negative. So go ahead and wait to see what changes the new job brings—a few months isn’t a long time—but in the meantime, try to be really honest with yourself about what you know about her character and your compatibility, separate from issues triggered by this particular job.

—J.D.H.

From: Help! My 21-Year-Old Stepdaughter Dresses and Undresses in Front of Her Father . (February 23rd, 2022).

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve grown up with very different values from my immediate family, and we had periods of a strained relationship, but it’s now at a point where things are—for the most part—much better. I recognize that my parents did the best they could in difficult circumstances, etc., etc., and we have made peace with each other. However, my family has a very keen “being annoying/teasing/insulting as affection” style of communication, which I struggle with because I’m sensitive. I’d really like to discourage it, both against myself and any potential kids I have, without causing a big fight. When I’ve pointed it out in the past, it’s either been me making a big deal of things or me accusing people of being bad parents, and it’s honestly a serious conversation I’m too tired to have with no results.

—Too Sensitive for This

Dear Too Sensitive,

Ugh, there’s nothing worse than someone who hides their actual insults and aggression behind an “I’m just blunt,” “I was just kidding,” or “you can’t take a joke” excuse. And I do think that’s what’s happening with your family. People who sincerely use teasing and being annoying as a form of affection build in a calculation of what will be hurtful versus what’s safe material to have fun with. It sounds like your family has made no attempt to do that. I’m guessing your strained relationship with them and their unwillingness to respect your feelings have made you lean toward blaming yourself for being “too sensitive,” but I’m here to say you’re not. And e…