Love, actually, at 85: ‘I love him more now than I ever did’

A woman with ‘completely separate’ finances from her partner of 45 years enjoys his sense of adventure.

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Age:  85

Gender:  Woman

Sexuality:  Heterosexual

Ethnicity:  Pākehā

Religion:  None

Occupation:  Writer

Length of relationship:  45 years

Children:  I have two lovely boys – now fine young men – he has none.

How we met: On Ruapehu – I was running a working weekend one Easter – he was there to join the club and get the required number of workdays (6). He was a gem – could do anything.

The best thing about my relationship:  He is a wonderful bloke – always there for me. We like to do all the same things – ski, sail, long distance walking, cruising, travel – we’ve done it all in our time.

A problem we can’t seem to resolve:  His preoccupation with money/ always feels he doesn’t have enough.

This is how we share/separate our finances:  Our finances are completely separate and we have a property relationship contract drawn up by a lawyer and signed by us both. That’s so that everything goes to my children – no arguments or issues.

This is how we split chores and childcare:  We both only do the things we like doing – that seems to cover all the chores. We have two grand children and whoever is home looks after them. We did the same when my boys were young.

Our sex life in three words:  None now – used to be great.

The thing that makes me a good partner:  I’m positive and funny and direct.

The thing I need to work on to be a better partner:  I can be too direct/ critical.

What I most appreciate in my partner:  He’s great – caring and loving and will do anything for me.

What I most resent in my relationship:  Nothing – truly.

The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time:  My appreciation of him has grown and changed over time. I love him more now than I ever did.

It would surprise people to know this about my relationship:  I am 12 years older than him.

Our last big fight was about:  We rarely fight. Our last fight was years ago – he worked for a hateful firm and was always grumpy. I decided I couldn’t take it any more and told him that. He resigned and we’ve been perfectly happy ever since.

If I hadn’t met my partner:  I’d have survived.

I expect my relationship to last until:  One of us dies.

My relationship advice is:  Resolve issues while they’re still small, don’t carry them around, don’t hold grudges. Give each other lots of space – and be there when needed.