I’m a house husband – I feel so awkward at the school gate

My wife is a big earner and I’ve recently admitted to myself that my life-coaching business, which I switched to after being unhappy in my previous sales job, is more of a hobby and me grasping for some meaning and value in life. We’re in our forties and we have two children, who I love looking after, though I resent that they want to be with her and all my hard work is taken for granted. I feel less of a man at times, an oddity with the other parents at the school gates and I’m losing self-respect.

How can I get out of this rut and make my wife understand how I feel so I can gain some support, rather than being their servant, personal assistant, chauffeur and general dogs body?

Shorts

It sounds as if there are two issues with which you’re struggling here.

Firstly, your role in a society that is still, broadly, sexist. By taking on the role of primary caregiver , you’re a trailblazer for a more equal society and an excellent role model to your children. But the chances are that when you were growing up, your dad wasn’t the main carer for you, so there’s no blueprint to follow. No wonder it feels uncomfortable at times.

It sounds as if you’ve interpreted this as “being less of a man”.

I would challenge you to really think about where this is coming from: I suspect that there are many people at the school gates looking at you wishing their partner might take a more equal role in bringing up the children .

Some people find school gate small talk awkward, but finding connection with some other parents might be helpful for you. I have a friend who set up a band with some school parents, where he has connected on a deeper level, and also a football club which both mums and dads go to. These might not be where your interests lie but by finding what you’re interested in and bringing it into that parent community you’re likely to find friendship with like-minded parents. It’s also beneficial for your children as it creates more of a community around them.

Spend some time thinking about what is important to you, regardless of what others think or what society tells you is “masculine”. Being yourself, irrespective of peer pressure, is maturity and one of the more valuable things we can teach our own children.

It might be of some comfort for you to know that there are a lot of men who are experiencing discomfort as traditional male and female roles evolve. It brings up issues on both sides: I’ve heard from many women who are working longer hours than their partners facing questions of identity around motherhood. Have you talked to your partner about this?

Secondly, it sounds as if you’re feeling unappreciated. I wonder how many parents sometimes feel that they’ve taken on the roles of servant, personal assistant, chauffeur and dog’s body rolled into one? Do you also see the other parts of being a parent: confidant; supporter; hug-giver; game-player?

I recommend that you chat to your partner about the support you need from her. Your children aren’t going to recognise all the work you do in being a parent – and nor should they. But if you spell out how you feel to your partner, rather than hoping she will know how you feel, you might receive what you need. It could be that, really, you need appreciation more than support, or that you need an afternoon where you’re not the one at the school gates – these are reasonable requests and hopefully if you raise them she will adapt.

When two people bring up children together there are regular sacrifices made by each, and expressing gratitude rather than harbouring resentment helps a lot of relationships stay on track. Similarly, find out how she is feeling about working such long hours: she is missing out on the children’s special moments while they grow up, and the everyday ones: the squabbles and games and silliness and joy which makes a childhood.

You say you feel resentment when the children seem excited to see their mum. How would you feel if they weren’t pleased to see her? It doesn’t mean that they value you any less. Do you ever feel competitive with your wife? Examine where it is coming from because, if you feel it with your partner, it is rarely an adult response but often an echo from our own childhoods and sibling relationships.

I respect you for seeing your own life coaching business as being more of a hobby – all of us need to find purpose and reward in life. I hope you can also find pride in your role in bringing up your children.