Shaving His Partner “Down There” Turned Him On. I Have a Suspicion About Why.

How to Do It

Jessica Stoya replies to readers’ comments and suggestions.

June 12, 2026 12:00 PM

Photo illustration by Slate.

Each month, How to Do It columnists Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak  ask readers for their thoughts  on the letters they’ve received. In this edition, Jessica replies to readers’ comments and suggestions below.

Hey How to Do It,

Re Clean Shaven: His partner trusted him to assist her with an embarrassing issue while she was vulnerable. I think this might be a major part of the turn-on for him, rather than just an incipient domination kink.

I don’t have a dom thing, but I have been in relationships where I indulged a partner’s sub kinks. I got turned on by making her happy and knowing that she trusted me enough to know what she wanted and not take things too far. Clean should maybe take some time to think about what exactly turned him on. I suspect it was less her embarrassment than her trust in him.

—Clever Signoff

Your insight about the blurriness between the enjoyment of embarrassment and the enjoyment of vulnerability is interesting. This draws my attention to the fact that, while the writer names embarrassment on the part of his girlfriend several times, he does not describe any conversation in which she might have used that descriptor herself. So it’s possible that embarrassment isn’t even part of the equation for either of them. It’s funny—I’ve spent 20 years discussing sex in public, and over a decade writing about it professionally, and I am repeatedly confronted with the fallibility of words when we’re describing emotions, visceral sensations, and complex abstract facets of human relations.

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Hey How to Do It,

Re I’m in a Box Here : she describes something that sounds similar to vaginal vestibulitis . This happened to me with my first pregnancy (it started while I was pregnant), and continued after for a long while. I saw a specialist about three months postpartum, who was great, and she prescribed liquid lidocaine, which I would soak into a cotton ball, and apply at the vaginal entrance prior to sex. It helped a lot. With time, the issue abated, but it’s never gone away, and it’s been 25 years. The issue was the worst when pregnant, not great during the first year post-birth, and then just randomly better/worse depending on cycle, etc.

Honestly, the writer’s husband sounds like he could do some work on his own to figure out his deal.

—What Worked for Me

Thank you for pointing this out as a possible cause. I’m glad to know that there are mitigation methods available if the writer wants to pursue them, especially if the issue persists after birth and recovery. I’m 100 percent with you on the sentiment that the husband could (I’ll even go so far as to say should) take the lead on the troubleshooting when it comes to his own sexual requirements.

Hey How to Do It,

Re Bye Bi : Your wisdom, “feeling as though a partner’s attraction is a statement of our inherent value is often a sign that we need to work on our own self-image and self-worth,” was a blessing to a deeply depressed and stressed OG. Please recycle often.

—Byin Mèsi

Thank you. This was nice to hear. I’ll be sitting here for a couple of minutes enjoying the positive reinforcement you’ve offered.

Hey How to Do It,

Re Birth Control Questions and Out of Genuine Curiosity : Happily, my partner is post-menopause, and even if I did need follow-up vasectomies, it’s no longer an issue. But back in the day? I was married with three kids when I got the chop, and my then-wife had issues with the pill. I think I would’ve still chosen follow-up vasectomies every three years… And when we separated, I’d have kept it up rather than risk an unplanned child. I dare say I’d have been more relaxed the second time around.

—Vasecto-many

I’m getting the sense that the vasectomy was less painful than anticipated, and wondering if that difference between what is feared and what is actually felt is common. I’m also wondering if the perception of vasectomy discomfort is part of what prevents many men from considering it as a serious option. If only it were possible to quantify and compare pains. Thank you for sharing.

Hey How to Do It,

Re Survived Now Trying to Thrive : This sounds like trauma brain speaking. The group has a system that explicitly accounts for no-contact participants, and voyeurism is a well-established kink. Also, everyone in healthy kink spaces had to start somewhere—some of the people in the group are probably just happy the letter writer is taking their cues from the scene, and not whatever’s popular on BookTok right now.

It would definitely still be good to speak to the organizers and calm that anxiety with facts,…