How to Do It
I can’t go without sex from July to August.
June 14, 2026 12:00 PM
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife has a ridiculous hang up that I’m sick of: She insists on never having sex when we are guests in someone else’s home. Her claim is that it’s “rude.” We’ve had people over who definitely boinked while under our roof and we survived. Next week we’re leaving to stay with friends at their vacation home in Jamaica through July and I don’t think I should be forced to go that long without getting laid. How can I convince my wife she’s being unreasonable?
—Potential Island Incel
Dear Potential Island Incel,
I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. Overcareful? Maybe. But her reasoning is sound. Sex can be messy and loud. It sometimes leaves a residue. Not wanting to sully someone else’s space with your debauchery detritus is fair. If other people have banged in your living space, it doesn’t make that any less rude to people who feel that it is so; it only means the rudeness is coming from inside the house. The only reason this fact would be relevant is if you’re staying with the people who had sex in your space. In that case, they have already set a tone that you couldn’t possibly be fairly faulted for continuing. But notice that for whatever reasons, you were able to detect the sex that was happening in your place amongst your guests. Your wife may feel self-conscious or embarrassed about leaving such a mark in someone else’s space, regardless of what was done in hers.
What matters ultimately is your wife’s position. You can’t make her have sex with you. If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to. You could offer other suggestions—perhaps there are places that aren’t in the house but nearby and private enough where she might feel comfortable. Maybe you get a hotel room for a night or two for this express purpose. But yes, you may be forced to go till August without getting laid. You will survive.
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Dear How to Do It,
I knew my husband was bi when I married him five years ago. He said he was willing to give up men for me, but for the past year, he’s had to masturbate to gay porn for at least 10 minutes before we have sex. He claims it’s just to help him “get going.” I really don’t want to open up my marriage, but I want even less to end up losing him if I’m not enough for him. Is it time for a serious conversation about letting him see guys on the side?
—Willing to Give Him the Best of Both Worlds
Dear Willing to Give Him the Best of Both Worlds,
It’s very generous of you to even consider opening up the relationship to satisfy your husband, regardless of your personal preference. But you should think about that preference more. You’re already uncomfortable about the idea in the abstract—how will you feel about it when the relationship is actually open? Fine, maybe, but potentially way worse. Maybe you’ll realize it’s actually a lot easier than you feared; maybe you’ll realize it’s destabilizing to have your husband out there feeling on dicks. You must advocate for yourself here. The general rule with open relationships is that you defer to the more sensitive party. That’s you here. Don’t make an offer unless you’re sure you can handle it. You can theoretically scale back at any time, but in this particular case, it may be practically harder to go back to monogamous after what you’ve offered.
I think before you get to that point, a more general conversation would be useful. That he has “had to” masturbate to gay porn before sex with you is a red flag. That warrants a conversation about his sexual response generally but more specifically how it applies to you. Does he absolutely need the images of gay sex in his head in order to have sex with you, and why? It’s a tough subject to take on, as there is a possibility that his attraction to you has diminished, but clarity there might be a good thing for everyone.
More broadly, you should discuss what he wants. How does he see his bisexuality playing out if you’re to be married forever? Don’t put words in your husband’s mouth. Let him ask for an open relationship and discuss what that will actually look like. Do you want him to let you know before he hooks up? After? Not at all? Would you like to be involved? Many open couples only play together. Are you interested in hooking up with other guys with your husband? It can be a bonding experience, but it can also be extremely difficult for more monogamous-minded people to watch their partner with someone else, especially in such cl…
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