My New Husband Hates His Ex. The Way He’s “Getting Back at Her” Has Me Questioning Everything.

Care and Feeding

June 18, 2026 1:00 PM

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column.  Have a question for Care and Feeding?  Submit it here .

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been with my husband “Gavin” for two years and married for a little under one year. Gavin had a nasty divorce from his ex, “Tara,” and the bad blood remains. However, I didn’t realize HOW bad until the other night.

Gavin was laughing like crazy while looking at something on his laptop. When I asked what was so funny, he showed me something that literally made my mouth fall open. Apparently he had some compromising images of Tara, and he posted them on social media as revenge porn! I’m no fan of hers, but as a woman, I would be horrified if one of my exes did that to me. Is this grounds for questioning the sort of man I married? My first impulse is to secretly notify Tara. However, what’s stopping me is the fact that she and Gavin have a 5-year-old child together who spends every other week with us, and I’m worried she might use his actions to impact his custody rights. How should I handle this?

—Porn Predicament

Dear Porn Predicament,

Congrats! While revenge porn laws may vary a little state to state, your husband has likely committed either a felony or a misdemeanor. Of course you have grounds to question the sort of man you married. And yes. This is also grounds to wonder if this person is responsible enough to be raising a kid. He did something vengeful, petty and illegal. These are not characteristics of a good father, husband, or general member of society. And, last I checked, we still (barely) live in a society!

That said, maybe talk to your husband before you start a conversation with his ex wife and burn your marriage and his relationship with his son to the ground. Have you told him how you feel about what he did? Has he shown regret or remorse? Does he even understand that there are laws against revenge porn? Has he even taken the pictures down? Don’t threaten to talk to Tara during this conversation. It won’t help matters at all. Tara will probably find them on her own (that’s Gavin’s intent, is it not?) so sticking yourself in between them isn’t going to help. The best you can do is try to get him to understand that his behavior was dumb and wrong.

One more thing: If Gavin has any compromising images of you, you need to get them deleted stat. Maybe before this conversation. Thinking of private pictures as future ammunition is depraved, which your husband has already revealed himself to be. But I also have a feeling that your short marriage is going to stay that way.

—Greg

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I’m a nurse, and a married mom of two elementary school-age children. During the pandemic, I realized that my hospital nursing job was never going to get better. After a long series of conversations with my husband, we decided I would try travel nursing for two years. We’re both very independent and also blessed with live-in family as childcare help, so we thought it was worth a shot.

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