Care and Feeding
June 16, 2026 6:00 AM
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Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here .
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 4-year-old who, like every 4-year-old, has lots of questions. I have made it a goal to be as honest as possible with him, while remaining age-appropriate. But I might have gone too far.
The other day, after we read about Martin Luther King Jr., he asked how he died. After prodding, I told him that a white man who hated Dr. King made him die using a gun. I told my son he is safe, and he doesn’t have to be scared of that happening to him, that Mommy will always protect him. But my son asked if he will die, and I said in a long long time, yes, he would. Everyone does. He was so upset! It broke my heart. I was hoping my son wouldn’t realize his own mortality for another year or two. I also have been honest about why I think the president does bad things, what transgender is, why I think God is pretend, and why some other people think God is real. I’ve gotten pretty good at putting things in terms he can understand, for the most part. But am I being too honest? Is 4 too early to be grappling with all of these tough ideas? Am I guilty of indoctrination?
—Truth Teller
Dear TT,
You are really asking two questions here. One is, “Is it fair to fill my 4-year-old’s head with my liberal beliefs?” The other is, “How do I help my 4-year-old feel safe in a scary world?”
In asking the first, you conflate values and beliefs with politics. That transgenderism and transphobia exist is a fact. Not a political opinion. That racism exists and harms people is also fact. That the president is bad is a political opinion. And that God is or isn’t real is a belief, though an oft-debated one.
You are right to worry that a 4-year-old is too young for politics, but they are not too young for values and facts. So what, then, are your values? Is it a value in your home for people, even strangers, to care for one another to the very best of their ability? Is it a value for you that all people have a chance for love, connection, and fulfillment? Is it a fact that not all people enjoy that same chance? Do you think they should? If so, then these are things you can teach your 4-year-old.
And you don’t have to do it by discussing events that are in the news. They can be taught by how you treat your children, your partner, the people in your life. You can demonstrate them by the stories you choose to tell, and the ones you choose not to. In essence, you can live these values rather than teach them. He will see them. He will absorb them. And as he grows, he will decide on his own what to think (and what to do) about people, places, and things that don’t reflect them. This is not indoctrination. This is raising a child with values. And because it makes no sense to raise a child with other people’s values, then you can only raise him with your own. It would only be indoctrination if you were teaching these things, but you didn’t truly and completely live by them. And that’s not the case, right?
And yes, the world is a scary place. When my kids were much younger we defined whining as pointing out a problem without offering a solution. The reason whining sucks is that it makes people feel powerless and overwhelmed. And I think the same principle applies when it comes to talking to your kids about the world. It is not any more overwhelming for a kid to know about racism than it is for a kid to know about earthquakes. It is, however, overwhelming to talk to children about racism without talking about what you do—I mean really do, on a daily basis—to stop it. And what they can do. But this is where many liberal white parents falter. They don’t really know what it is they are doing to stop it. And while it is possible to shove that under the rug when you are alone, it is much harder when a kid is asking tough questions and waiting expectantly for answers. Children require you to dig deep. If there is a problem, you must teach your child how to be part of the solution. Which means that you yourself must be part of the solution.
—Carvell Wallace
From: What Race Should My Sperm Donor Be? (January 26th, 2018).
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