Care and Feeding
June 17, 2026 1:00 PM
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here .
Dear Care and Feeding,
Last year a new family moved into our neighborhood and posted in our neighborhood group that they had a daughter the same age as mine and wanted to see if anyone was available to play at the park. Trying to be neighborly and knowing my daughter loves making new friends, I took her and met the mom, “Carol.” We exchanged numbers so we could coordinate any future playdates.
Then Carol began texting me regularly and would become agitated if I didn’t reply immediately. She often would make snide remarks about how there’s no reason for me to not reply to her messages immediately because I am a stay-at-home mom. I chose to ignore her rude comments and continued to allow her daughter to play with mine.
Unfortunately, I think this gave Carol the impression that I was open to having a deeper friendship with her, and she began showing up at my house unexpectedly. One time she even walked in my front door without knocking! I tried to create distance by telling her I was busy, and also explained that I’m not really looking for deeper friendships right now. The final straw occurred after my mom passed away earlier this year. I let Carol know about it, and she still chose to text me in the aftermath about setting up a playdate for the girls. In the midst of grief and familial obligations, I did not reply. The next day, while I was volunteering at our children’s school, Carol’s daughter came up to me and said, “My mom says you never return her messages and you need to text her because she’s mad at you.” I was taken aback that her daughter even knew that and that Carol was showing me zero grace knowing that my mom recently passed away. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel bad our girls aren’t playing together as they used to, but the constant worry that I’m going to be attacked by Carol makes me want to avoid her at all costs.
—We’re Fellow Moms, Not Friends
Dear We’re Not Friends,
I’m very sorry about your mother, and I understand the particular frustration of dealing with acquaintances who demand your attention while ignoring your fresh grief. An annoying neighbor with no boundaries is the last thing you should have to worry about right now.
I honestly don’t think that talking with Carol is likely to do much good; you’ve tried, after all, and she seems determined to miss the point. Given that, I see two other options: (a) ignore her and let your silence speak for you until she (hopefully) gives up; (b) send one final text in response to hers (e.g., “As you know, I recently lost my mom. I’m focused on my family and won’t be able to set up a playdate anytime soon. Thanks for understanding”), and then, if she sends you any more texts, see Plan A.
Short of moving, I think the most you can do is try to limit the interactions you have with Carol. It might mean accepting some inevitable level of awkwardness if you run into her at school or around the neighborhood. But you don’t owe her friendship based on proximity alone, and it’s okay to try to avoid someone who makes you genuinely uncomfortable. I also don’t think you should feel too badly about the kids—there’s nothing to stop them from hanging out at school or even around the neighborhood if they both still want to be friends.
—Nicole
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