"Ma culpabilité est partie": Nikita Hand donne sa première interview depuis l'affaire Conor McGregor

Nikita Hand, who recently won a civil case against former MMA fighter Conor McGregor, has credited her mother with saving her life. In November 2024, a jury at the High Court ruled that McGregor raped Ms Hand in a hotel room in December 2018 and awarded her nearly €250,000 in damages. Speaking on RTÉ's Brendan O'Connor programme, Ms Hand acknowledged that her mother played a crucial role in ensuring she received medical attention and reported the crime. Ms Hand described the experience as life-changing, saying there are now two versions of herself, the woman before the assault and the woman after. She admitted she is still struggling to embrace the new version of herself. “I’m still learning to love the new Nikita, but I’m not quite there yet,” she said. She also shared how motherhood has helped her cope with the trauma, mentioning her two children, Alba, a three-month-old, and Freya, a 15-year-old. Despite her happiness, she continues to live with the emotional scars of the assault. Ms Hand recalled that prior to the attack, she had a strong sense of self and confidence in her appearance. However, the incident left her feeling broken and disconnected from parts of her identity. “It’s quite sad. You do lose a huge part of yourself when something so traumatic happens to you after being raped or sexually assaulted,” she said. The trauma has affected her mental health significantly. She described experiencing panic attacks, often lasting for hours, and said she once pulled out her own hair due to extreme distress. She also mentioned that she was unable to return to her job as a hairdresser because the environment triggered painful memories. “Being a hairdresser was all I ever wanted to be, but it’s too much of a trigger for me,” she said. Ms Hand emphasized the importance of speaking out, urging other survivors to come forward. “You will be believed, we are all human and have all made bad decisions so reach out, no matter what your story is,” she said. When asked if she had anything to say to McGregor, she stated there was nothing more to say. “We don’t need to have a conversation. I don’t forgive him,” she said. The Dublin Rape Crisis Centre noted a surge in calls to its helpline and support services following the trial, including from individuals who had kept their experiences hidden for years. CEO Rachel Morrogh highlighted that many of these callers were men, some of whom had carried secrets for decades. “You may expect that it would just be young women, but actually we got a number of older male callers as well,” she said. Ms Hand detailed the events leading up to the assault, explaining that she met McGregor at a local pub and had known him from growing up in the same area of Dublin. On the night of the incident, she sent him a message on social media after being out with a friend, and he picked them up in a car. Both women believed they were heading to a party, but the evening turned into a traumatic encounter. She described being intoxicated and under the influence of cocaine, which contributed to her vulnerability. Ms Hand recounted the assault as extremely violent, describing how McGregor choked her multiple times and ultimately overpowered her. She said she felt as though she might die during the attack. “Absolutely, yeah,” she replied when asked if she thought she would survive. After the assault, she struggled with feelings of shame and self-blame, questioning whether she could have avoided the situation by making different choices. Her mother encouraged her to seek medical help and report the incident, which Ms Hand called a pivotal moment. “She knew I needed medical help, and that’s what she did for me. So she saved my life,” she said. She also expressed devastation when the Director of Public Prosecutions decided not to pursue criminal charges. “The only way I could get my day in court was to take up a civil case,” she explained. “I just couldn’t let it go.”