Sexologist Ana Sierra, on the modern obsession with measuring sex: "We often forget the important question: Did we really like it?"

Sexologist Ana Sierra has spoken out against the modern obsession with measuring sexuality, warning that this approach risks reducing pleasure to a performance. In a recent interview, she emphasized that the key question often overlooked is whether individuals truly enjoyed their experiences. “We have learned to talk about sexuality as though we were reviewing an analysis: How many times do you have sex? How long does it last? Do you reach orgasm? Do you desire enough?” she said. But when pleasure becomes an examination, it ceases to be enjoyable. The phenomenon of quantifying sexual activity has become almost social, with the number of sexual encounters serving as a marker of status. People not only count these encounters but also rank them, creating a hierarchy where certain acts seem more valuable than others. This logic of performance is deeply tied to traditional notions of masculinity, applied to intimacy. As people tally points and compare themselves, they forget the essential question: Did it really matter? One of the major misunderstandings in sexuality is believing that what one does explains how one feels. From the outside, we observe frequency, practices, toys, orgasms, or apparent desire. Yet sexual health is not solely determined by what we do, but by where we do it, by our internal experience. There can be a lot of sex lived from disconnection and fewer encounters lived with freedom and genuine desire. Orgasms can occur without deep satisfaction, and pleasurable experiences may lack climax entirely. It is crucial that we can say yes or no without guilt, and that we feel safe in doing so. The female orgasm has long been treated as either ignored or secondary, with sexuality framed around male desire, penetration, and climax. For decades, women’s pleasure was sidelined, and the narrative centered on male fulfillment. However, the female orgasm carries a paradox. While it was once silenced, some contemporary discussions frame it as a new obligation. Many women used to feel compelled to fake it; now, some believe they must achieve and enjoy it naturally. Yet changing expectations doesn’t mean liberation. Pleasure requires no additional demands, but it does require permission. Technology has played a role in reshaping conversations around female pleasure. The film The Pleasure Is Mine, inspired by the story of Michael and Brigitte Lenke, creators of the first air-pressure clitoral stimulator known as Pleasure Air, marks a turning point in the history of female pleasure. This invention introduced a novel form of stimulation and placed the clitoris, the primary organ of female pleasure, at the center of discussion. For too long, it had been ignored by traditional narratives. Today, there is a wide range of intimate technology available. Although such tools do not alone resolve gaps in sexual education, they can help individuals understand themselves better, expand possibilities, and experience pleasure with autonomy. Playing with frequency or exploring new intensities can be fun, but problems arise when we confuse play with measurement. Neither the number of sexual encounters nor the speed of reaching orgasm tells us whether there was true desire, connection, or enjoyment. The right to pleasure is also a matter of health. Discussing pleasure is not frivolous, it is about sexual well-being. Sexual health involves more than just the absence of pain or dysfunction. It means living sexuality safely, freely, consensually, consciously, and satisfyingly. Many women enter adulthood knowing how to care for another's desire but with little practice in understanding their own. They have been taught more to please or appear desirable than to feel desired. Just as they have been encouraged to monitor how their bodies look, they should also learn to know how they feel within them and in each situation. Moving from being an object of desire to becoming a subject is not just a beautiful phrase, it is an intimate revolution. Transitioning from having sex to being in sex means shifting focus from external validation to internal presence. When I speak of mindful sex, I am not referring to slow, pretty, or perfect sex. I am talking about presence. Being fully inside the experience rather than evaluating it from outside. Because when we are present, we are not just having sex, we are being in it.