I Finally Learned How to Do Something Very Exciting in Bed. It Feels Like a Luxury I Need to Earn.

A cisgender queer woman has shared her journey of discovering masturbation as a form of personal exploration and self-care, revealing how societal conditioning and religious upbringing influenced her initial feelings of guilt around engaging in the act. She wrote to Slate’s sex advice column How to Do It, explaining that she hadn’t discovered how to masturbate until she turned 20. At the time, she noted that while she wasn’t uninterested in the idea, she lacked knowledge about her own body and possibly internalized norms tied to compulsory heterosexuality. When she finally learned how to engage in the practice, it brought her immense excitement, and she began masturbating regularly, typically once a day for stress relief. However, over time, she began to feel a sense of guilt, describing it as a “luxury” she felt she didn’t fully deserve. The letter, which was published on July 22, 2026, highlights the emotional complexity surrounding personal pleasure and self-care. The writer expressed concern over whether she was overdoing it, despite knowing that masturbating seven times a week was not problematic. She also mentioned struggling with similar feelings of guilt in other aspects of her life, suggesting a broader pattern of self-criticism. Her concerns were echoed by Erica Smith, a sex educator and author of The Purity Culture Recovery Guide. Smith emphasized that enjoying one's sexuality does not require setting rigid expectations or creating new standards that feel unnatural. She advised the writer that masturbating whenever she wanted, rather than adhering to a strict schedule, was entirely appropriate. Smith further explained that the frequency of masturbation can vary based on individual factors such as hormonal changes, energy levels, and life circumstances. She encouraged the writer to reflect on her overall lifestyle, including whether she allowed herself time to rest or engage in activities she enjoyed without obligation. The discussion also touched on the lingering effects of religious teachings, particularly within Catholic traditions, which can shape perceptions of pleasure and morality. Smith pointed out that such teachings often focus on fears related to harming others, yet their impact can extend beyond that, affecting how individuals view their own desires and worth. In addition to addressing the writer’s specific concerns, Smith highlighted the importance of recognizing pleasure, not just sexual, but in everyday moments. She suggested that paying attention to small joys, such as a favorite meal or the sensation of wearing comfortable clothing, could help build comfort with larger forms of pleasure. This approach, she argued, could aid individuals who struggle with finding fulfillment in their lives, especially those who have been taught to suppress or question their ability to experience joy. The conversation also included a personal anecdote from one of Smith’s clients, who had been told by a pastor that anything that feels good might be considered sinful. This illustrates how deeply ingrained certain beliefs can become, influencing how people perceive their own actions and emotions. Smith reminded her clients that pleasure is a fundamental part of being human and that learning to embrace it can lead to greater overall well-being. As the writer continues to navigate her relationship with self-care and personal pleasure, the dialogue underscores the ongoing challenge many face in reconciling past influences with current values. It also serves as a reminder that understanding and accepting one’s own desires is an essential step toward living authentically.