Michael Musalek: The art of opening up borders

A German psychologist has sparked debate with a recent article published in Kurier, titled “Michael Musalek: Die Kunst, Grenzen zu öffnen,” which explores the delicate balance between setting boundaries and maintaining connection in relationships. The piece argues that while boundaries are essential for protecting one’s sense of self, they must not come at the cost of alienating others. According to the article, the challenge lies in finding the right equilibrium, where personal identity is preserved without sacrificing meaningful human interaction. The article begins by addressing the common advice to set limits, suggesting that this often comes across as though the human soul can be fenced off. However, the author challenges this notion, emphasizing that boundaries are necessary in certain contexts, particularly in close relationships, but should not become barriers that push others away. Instead, the goal is to create a space where both individuals feel safe and respected. This concept is illustrated through a metaphor involving armor: being too protected makes one inaccessible, while being completely exposed leaves one vulnerable to harm. The writer further critiques the tendency to think in binary terms, either open or closed, connected or isolated, which is particularly problematic in the context of relationships. Life, the article suggests, rarely operates in such extremes. Healthy relationships require a nuanced approach, allowing for both individuality and closeness. The author describes this dynamic as a process of gradual engagement, where one carefully lowers defenses and assesses whether safety is present before moving closer. This process involves cycles of approaching, pausing, withdrawing, and returning, each time building trust and adjusting boundaries accordingly. As trust grows, some boundaries may shift or even open up, while others might need to be reinforced. The article highlights the importance of conflict resolution skills in this context, noting that cohabitation inherently requires tolerating differences and making compromises. The text also addresses the role of timing in relationship dynamics. It argues that the quality of an action, whether a kiss, a word, or physical contact, is influenced not just by what happens, but also by when it occurs. A gesture that feels intrusive at one moment might be welcomed at another. This underscores the complexity of interpersonal interactions and the necessity of sensitivity to context and timing. The author concludes that the phrase “set boundaries” is not a universal rule applicable to everyone. Some individuals may need to learn how to say no, while others may benefit from more courage to say yes. The true art of living together, according to the article, lies not in drawing as many lines as possible, but in discerning which boundaries truly protect and which can remain open. This, the writer notes, is a lifelong journey of learning and adaptation.