I’m a child psychologist – the things you’re doing that are damaging your kids

Dr. Siggie Cohen, a renowned child development psychologist, warns that modern parenting practices may be unintentionally harming children by fostering excessive permissiveness. With millions following her online, Cohen argues that contemporary parents often over-intervene in their children's lives, prioritizing their comfort and desires over necessary boundaries and guidance. In her upcoming book, You Are the Parent: Becoming the Calm, Confident Leader Your Child Needs, due for release in September, she outlines strategies to balance parental involvement with the cultivation of a child's autonomy and emotional resilience. Cohen notes that the shift from strict, authoritarian parenting styles, characterized by obedience enforced through fear, to a more emotionally intelligent approach has led to a situation where children are placed at the center of family dynamics. While this transition aimed to foster emotional awareness and mutual respect, she contends that it has veered into permissiveness, undermining the effectiveness of parenting. According to Cohen, this trend results in children who struggle with self-regulation and discipline, as parents frequently negotiate and accommodate their wishes instead of setting firm expectations. The psychologist highlights a common misunderstanding among parents regarding the concept of "gentle parenting," which emphasizes understanding and respecting children's emotions. However, she asserts that this philosophy has been misinterpreted, leading to situations where children dictate the rules rather than learning to manage their behavior within established limits. This misalignment creates confusion, prompting some parents to revert to authoritarian methods, resulting in inconsistent parenting approaches that fail to provide stability for children. Reflecting on past decades, Cohen recalls the 1980s as a period when parents recognized the importance of acknowledging children's feelings and needs while still encouraging independence. She suggests that this era represented a balanced approach, allowing children to develop essential life skills without excessive parental interference. The challenge lies in maintaining this equilibrium in today's fast-paced, digitally connected world. Social media, paradoxically, exacerbates these issues by inundating parents with unrealistic standards and comparisons. Cohen observes that the pressure to meet these ideals contributes to parental anxiety and frustration, further complicating the task of raising well-adjusted children. Her book aims to alleviate this stress by offering practical advice on distinguishing between validating a child's emotions and managing their behavior effectively. Central to Cohen's methodology is the Emotional Behavioral Proficiency (EBP) framework, which encourages parents to acknowledge their children's feelings empathetically while simultaneously guiding them toward appropriate expressions of those emotions. For instance, a parent might respond to a child's distress with compassion, saying, "I understand you're feeling sad," while also reinforcing acceptable behaviors, such as, "However, hitting others when upset isn't okay." This approach seeks to teach children how to regulate their emotions constructively rather than suppressing or misdirecting them. Cohen urges parents to resist the urge to immediately resolve their children's challenges, emphasizing the value of allowing them space to navigate difficulties independently. By stepping back occasionally, parents can foster resilience and problem-solving abilities in their children, ultimately contributing to healthier developmental outcomes. As her book prepares for publication, Cohen hopes to equip parents with the tools necessary to strike a harmonious balance between support and structure, ensuring that their children grow into confident, capable individuals.